* You will still look at least 3 months pregnant after you have your little person.
* It's highly likely you'll be sporting the thicker middle section you have always associated with your dear old Gran and Aunty Jean.
* The ass that was previously known as 'Your Ass' is now looking suspiciously like you brought home 'Someone Elses Ass' and leaves you wondering if the nurses accidently sent you home with the 'Wrong Ass'? It seems that 'This Particular Ass' is triple the size it previously was, looking insanely out of proportion with the rest of your body now that the bulk of your baby belly is gone and replaced with this pooch, jelly...thingy.
You can't help but feel let down by your fellow [wo]man...like it's a conspiracy. Like the silent sabotage. "You'll LOVE being Mum. Babies are SO precious aren't they?....
At the two week mark of 'post-Cooper's-arrival', the mere act of getting dressed is ACTUALLY a friggin' nightmare. I've complained before about the whole on/off, grab/fling, side/back/front, closet empty/floor covered issues of figuring out what to wear but that was NOTHING compared to this.
Now it's ridiculous. I cry. I sob. I moan. I throw tantrums. I accuse Richie of ruining my life. And it's not hormonal. I'm actually THAT affected by not being able to express/dress myself the way I want to RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. Having to swathe myself in a way that skims the lumps and bumps to where I feel okay with how my body looks to the outside world, is hard. I'm not pregnant anymore but I've been cruelly left with this "Well, you still LOOK pregnant" frame. It sucks.
That hope of wearing pre-baby clothes? Forgeddabouddit. [Unless you're Miranda Kerr. Which I am most certainly not.] I'm still, rather depressingly , confined to wearing my preggy stuff. There's a major difference between having favourite's that you WANT to wear ALL THE TIME and HAVING TO WEAR THINGS ALL THE TIME WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT FIT AND ALTHOUGH THEY MAKE YOU LOOK STILL-KINDA-PREGNANT, IT'S BETTER THAN SQUEEZING INTO SOMETHING AND LOOKING LIKE A PORK SAUSAGE. [Yeah, I yelled it.]
I never thought I'd see the day when I wanted to burn my ComplexGeometries dress, seeing as it has been my sartorial saviour these past few months. Yet, here I am. Almost despising the poor thing. Wanting. To. Set. It. On. FIRE! Through no fault of it's own [or the people who created the piece], it has become the only garment I can really wear and my heart sinks. I audibly groan whenever I know I have to leave the house because I that's what I'll be wearing. That's my option. There's an achy feeling every time I look in my closet at the pants that won't go past my knees, let alone near my hips or the tops that accentuate my pooch- that's assuming I can get the buttons done up or my sausage arms into the sleeves. Healthy diet and exercise take time to come into effect, so I hope I'll make it to the other side [fairly soon for my sanity's sake] in one [svelte] piece. Until then, I shall continue to feel a bit like shit on the daily [just being honest].
So, in light of this awful abyss of self loathing I've plunged myself into, I did what many a girl has done. I bought something solely to make me feel better. Unnecessary. But FULLY necessary.
[Alexander Wang Burlap Short Trench images via La Garconne]
....and hopefully have another option to wear with the [groan] ComplexGeometries dress.
Plus, I can tick it off my Investment Pieces list.